I really am sorry.

I have had friends on this blog e-mail me and ask if I am all right.

I have been so negligent in posting.

It's just...there is very little positive things in life right now, that a post would be such a downer it wouldn't help anyone else.

People that know me in "real life" always mention what a positive, always smiling person I am.  Always upbeat, with a spring in my step.  

That's true--when I am out.  When I am around people.  Little do they know the lifelong battle I have had with depression and "boy howdy", as a friend Bonnie would say, that depression has me in its grip now!

I suppose I have too much pride to allow people to see that, so I stay home and that is self defeating because, not seeing and communicating with people, makes the depression worse.

After all people!  I am this deep faith Christian.  Giving all my worries and frustrations to God and waiting on Him to give me all I need in life.  Which I do, but I guess it makes me feel like a fake when I get depressed.  I shouldn't be depressed.  If my walk is where my talk is, I should be relaxed and calm and peaceful.

I guess...it's just everything that is going on in my world.

The pandemic is getting worse.  Our positive cases here in Michigan are higher than they were last spring.  It appears we are headed for another full lockdown.

The stupid election and this whole recount and suing States for "stealing and cheating" has me riled up.  I posted on FB that it was time to accept defeat, congratulate the winner graciously and get on with things.  All my Republican friends jumped all over me.  "Never give up!" they commented.  

I was hoping "we" could take the higher ground and not act like the Democrats acted these last 4 years.  Apparently not!

I've played enough sports where the umpires or refs made the wrong call, causing my team to lose.  You get angry.  You feel hurt, but you go over and congratulate the other team and walk away a good loser.  

Of course, the Holiday season never was any good for someone with depression, especially if they are alone.  I didn't decorate last year and I won't this year either.

"Oh, you must decorate," people say.  "It will make you feel better."

No.  It won't.  All the bright lights and songs just remind me of what I've lost.  Oh, I'll be okay when family gets together on Christmas Eve, if we do this year.  I will be happy and smiling and laughing with the Grand Kids, and wondering how long I have to stay in that noisy atmosphere, until I can gracefully leave to come home to quietness.  Four hours is my max.

I am turning into the stereotypical old woman!  Complaining and cranky.  Alone with her cats.  One pity party after another.

But no one will know, because I cover it so well.  What a fake!

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I just finished helping a friend do her family story.  Not a regular genealogy, as her family came from Hungary and we could only go back two generations.  Records in the countries that the Communists took over in WWII and after, are hard to find.  You have to fly over there and visit the church in their town to see if any records still exist.

It was a fun project.  She had collected so many photos and stories from her siblings and grandkids about her parents.  Also a section devoted to each sibling, there were 7 of them in the family, so it included grandchildren, great grands information.

Now I am working on a genealogy for a classmate of mine, wife.  He passed 3 years ago and she wants it for their two sons.  She didn't even think to have her own family included until I told her that if this genealogy was for their sons and grandchildren, her family must be included also.

Did I tell you that my car is in home Hospice?  I took it in for what I thought was a small repair...power steering fluid leaking from the rack and pinion...but they couldn't fix it because the undercarriage is so rusted out that there wasn't anything to fasten the new rack and pinion onto.

It is still driveable for short trips, like to the store or appointments, but it is on it's last wheels.

So, I need to find another car.  How am I going to finance that?

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My son's cancer has returned and he has to have a kidney removed.  His "girlfriend" has a text thread she uses to let my daughter's and sister know what is going on, but she won't e-mail me anything.  So I have to call my sister to find out what is happening.  

I have been nothing but nice to this woman for the last 17 years, but for some reason, she doesn't like me, I guess. 

I have to be careful what I post on Face Book because she is in cahoots with my youngest Jennifer and tells her if I post something she deems to be wrong.

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When I went to my daughter Karen's for the fall into the leaf pile and birthday party, I found out two days later that Karen's mother-in-law tested positive and was in hospital.  She and I sat next to each other at the table and yakked and yakked.  So I just stayed in for 14 days and waited to see if I had contracted The Virus.  No I did not and the lady is now home and doing well.

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I am doing okay.  Working on some exercises to get more strength back in my legs.  Working on this genealogy to keep my mind occupied.  Trying not to watch any National News because there isn't one main stream or cable news network that isn't prejudiced and biased to the max!

I will try to do better on posting, but for some reason, I am hesitant to tell it all to you.  I still feel like there might be a "spy" reading these posts and reporting back to my youngest.

Great!  Now I'm getting paranoid.  Oh well, that's a new mental illness I haven't had before.

HAH!

A Shocking Experience

 

I had not felt well most of the week.  My blood pressure was high as was my pulse rate.

I woke up in a sweat on the morning of October 29^th.   My blood pressure was 197 and my pulse rate was 135 beats per minute.  My balance was off and I found it difficult to walk.

I had started a new drug—Metoprolol Extended Release on the 9^th of September and it had been working well to keep my pulse rate and BP within normal ranges.

On October 7^th, I had a heart monitor to wear for a week.  The results had come back that there had been “no events” with my heart and everything was normal.

On the morning of the 29^th, I took my Metoprolol Extended Release pill.  An hour later, I found I couldn’t stand or walk without becoming weak and faint feeling.  The rest of the morning and early afternoon, I stayed in my chair, only getting up to go to the bathroom.  I had to hold onto the table and the wall to walk to the bathroom without fainting.  I thought perhaps I had a mild stroke.  I prayed off and on most of the day for God to help me.

Around 4:00 in the afternoon, I was sitting in my chair, reading, when all of a sudden I felt an electric shock hit my upper right arm, cross my body and go out my upper left arm, it jolted me.  This was immediately followed by extreme cold inside my body.

I didn’t have a chill.  My skin wasn’t cold.  It was icy cold in my body core—from chest down to my hips.  This lasted for a few seconds and was gone.

I put my book down and laid back in my chair, trying to breathe normally and relax.

About a half an hour later, I noticed that my head was clear.  I got up and walked to the bathroom with no feeling of faintness nor weakness.

I felt quite well, although tired, for the rest of the day and evening.

I had an appointment with the Cardiologist on October 30^th.  I woke that morning feeling well.

I walked from the car into the Cardiologist building with no problem, my balance seemed fine.  My BP was 174/68.  My pulse rate 66 bpm.

When the Cardiologist came into the exam room, we talked about the heart monitor test and she said it was great.  I had no problems with my heart.  Then I told her of what had happened the day before.

She said she had never heard of such a thing and asked me to describe how it had felt again.  As I told her of the “shock”, she just stared at me. 

“There is no physical explanation for that happening,” she said.  “I have never heard of anything like that.  Maybe you were touched by an Angel,” she said and then laughed.

I was still feeling good when I left her office that I drove into Brighton, stopped at the Meijer gas station, then on to the Meijer grocery store where I spent an hour buying groceries.  I drove home, carried in all the groceries and put them away.

Although my back hurt, which is normal after a grocery trip, I felt fine.  That evening, my blood pressure was 145/66, my pulse rate was 62.

I have tried to find out what caused this “shock”.  I have Googled it and searched.  There is nothing even mentioned about such an event.

I wanted to document it before I forgot the details.  I have no explanation.  It cannot be explained.  I give all the credit to God.  What else could it be?