I don't quite know what it is, but I just can't seem to tend to my blog.
Sure, I can use the excuse that I have been working on a large genealogy and after working for hours on the computer, I am not in the mood to get creative and post on my blog.
While that excuse is true, there is just something else.
Some sort of deep weariness or depression, or a feeling of dread at what is going to happen next, that has come to live in my mind for the last few months. Plus, I'm lonely.
Which is real stupid! I don't see my kids very often in normal times, but it seems now, I CAN'T see them, so I guess it makes it feel worse. It's like when we get snowed in and I look outside and realize I can't drive my car to go anywhere, EVEN THOUGH I don't need to go anywhere--it's the knowing I can't that makes me antsy.
I should be elated! I finished a large genealogy and mailed it off. My client lives in Oregon and had to evacuate to her son's home, but her home was saved, so I could mail the genealogy directly to her. I had already received her check--considering it was 3 genealogies, one of her, her son and her daughter--it was a nice check.
I have another, not so much a genealogy, but a family story. My client had files and files full of information on each parent and sibling. Her parents and grandparents from Hungary, so I had what I needed. It was just putting it into chronological order, with the story written around it. I love it and am nearly finished with it. My client is a younger sister to a best friend. My friend died in 1995, so when I got to her file folder and saw her photo, it brought back some teary memories. Oh, she would have loved this book.
I have another genealogy waiting in the wings.
So, I am busy and my mind is flourishing with being challenged to be creative.
...and the extra money certainly takes the budget worries away, for a time anyway.
So. What is the problem?
My back hurts--normal in my life.
My left foot hurts and I walk funny--nearly normal.
I go days without going anywhere--normal in my life.
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I just don't know. I am weary. I am nervous. I feel like I am waiting for the next awful world event to happen. What horrible thing is going to happen.
I pray a lot. I talk to God a lot during the day. I consider myself to have a deep faith. Apparently I am lacking in that or I would be doing better.
I keep telling myself to be grateful that I am in good health. Be grateful that right now, I have no money worries. Just be grateful...and I am, but...........................
I get what you are saying. Everyday brings another crisis, totally out of our hands,waiting for the next shoe to fall. Hang in there. I am so happy you have work to do. And soon our Spartans will be playing again. Go Green!
ReplyDeleteI sure do know what you're feeling. A lot of us are down, down, down. I need to get myself busier ... driving!!!
ReplyDeleteThe weariness of living with one national or world drama after another is getting to all of us, Judy. Hang in there, we're got a way to go before we get back to normal...if anyone even will remember what normal looks like in the future.
ReplyDeleteAs the saying goes, "You took the words right out of my mouth."
ReplyDeleteI understand how you feel considering all that is going on in this country right now. You should try to get out more. Go downtown and people watch or drive to a lake somewhere close and sit by the water. Do it while the weather is still good enough. You have lots of options out there by you. You wouldn't have to drive far or walk far. Just getting out into the fresh air a little should help some. Spending too much time indoors is not good for your mental health!
ReplyDeletePartly what is affecting all of us is the uncertainty in our worlds, whatever that may be. This is not how life has been going along for us for. We are not used to being in essence locked away from each other like we have since at least March. It takes a toll, mentally and physically. I do believe that things will once again return to a quieter more "normal" time. But all the unrest that is out in the world and spread on the airwaves and online is hard to take.
ReplyDeleteThere is a fatigue at this sixth month point in this pandemic and then there is all the other crazy stuff going on. We have terrible fires here in California that turns our sun orange and our air almost unbreathable. I try to find joy in every day.
ReplyDeleteI, too, talk to Jesus all day long and into the night. Through prayer and my Bible I am finding strength in these very hard days. I pray you will also. The genealogies sound wonderful. I'm so thankful that they have come your way.
ooooh judy, you are not alone, in any of your thoughts and feelings. most people, if replying honestly, are having the same feelings. my life has changed 100%, i too am alone every day. the days are long and i am feeling lonely. but i am able to fill my days and feel somewhat lucky to have the hobbies i have and this big house to clean and organize up!! i stay really busy, at the end of the day, i have accomplished so much and i am tired when i sit down to knit and watch t.v.
ReplyDeletei am waiting for the next shoe to fall.....
and that's a terrible feeling. i think new jersey will be shutting down again. in the next week or so, our numbers are really ticking up!!!
You are not a lone, Judy. A lot of people are dealing with anxiety and depression or just the blahs, or as you say, waiting for the next shoe to drop. It seems like there's something new every day. It's good that you stay busy with the genealogies.
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