Stuff and Such

I woke up this morning in a state of panic.  I sat up on the edge of the bed and my hands were shaking--it felt like my whole body was trembling.  My mind was so fuzzy.  Weird.

My Buddy is so long and large that for almost a year, he can't fit in the litter box.  He would back in, then leave his hindquarters inside and put the upper half of his body outside, resting his paws on the floor.  I had the biggest, tallest litter box, known to man.  It wasn't affecting him, but I wanted more comfort for my big boy, so off to Wally World I went--on a mission to find a better bathroom for The Bud.

I got one of those plastic storage boxes that fits under a bed.  It has wheels on it.  I can roll it out to clean it and then, roll it back under the counter in the computer room.  He loves it!!  He walks into it, turns around facing forward, does his thing, covers it up and off he goes--spreading litter along the path from computer room to living room, with those big feet of his.

This morning as I was cleaning out this huge area, it reminded me raking out and smoothing a sand trap on the golf course.  Yeah--I know, I'm weird. 

Meanwhile, back in the bedroom---

Little Maggie, watching birds in the bushes.  

A Robin is building a nest in that bush.  

I think Maggie likes her new litter box too.  She romps around in it at times--flinging litter hither and yon..  Buddy is very neat.  Maggie is a very free-spirited girl. 

Then, I went into the living room and looked out the window.  A little red squirrel was down on the ground.  Knowing that Maggie loves to watch them, I yelled, "Squirrel--squirrel!" and she came running out and right up to the window.  I have never thought cats were all that intelligent--with a dog, you say "outside" or "ride" and they run to the door.  You say that to a cat and they look at you.

Maggie sure understands what Squirrel means.  Buddy was laying on the living room floor and he just looked up at me and yawned.  I have come to the conclusion--these cats are like kids.  Some are intelligent, some are more laid back and easy going and some...just don't give a rat's patootie.

I can't believe my spring flowers--the tulips and daffodils and grape hyacinth.  For the last couple of years, I have had very few blooms--even though five years ago, I planted almost 250 bulbs.  I knew they were under ground, but had come to believe that the moles had burrowed down and ate them.  AH ha--we had a "normal" winter--nice and cold, lots of snow coverage and a very wet April.  That's all we needed.  Weather conditions of the last two warm winters kept my spring bulbs at bay.  I think my Lilac bushes are going to be decadent this year--can't wait to see them bloom.

Someone needs to fill up her bird feeders.  (Lilac's to the left.)

I got the lawn mowed today--or rather my lawn mower guy came and did it.  He has charged me $15.00 a mow for years and years--well, the last five when I couldn't do it.  This year, I told him I am giving him a raise to $20.00--what with gas prices raising and all that.  Besides that, he not only mows, but trims and then goes around with the leaf blower and cleans off the porches, walkways and driveway.  AND, this morning, he got my trowel and dug up four white violets that had somehow escaped from my woodland garden and were growing gloriously in the yard--where they would have been mowed down.

I haven't seen this guy in four years--he is apricot colored.

See that little yellow flower off on the left--I have some of those in my long-neglected

gardens.  The will be dispatched before long, LOL. The bear stick is where another

daffodil or tulip will be planted this fall.

On my parent's farm, our driveway was quite long.  We had a long, wide swatch of lawn from the house to the road.  My mother loved when that area turned all yellow with Dandelions.  She thought it was beautiful--and it was.  Farm people don't really get into the whole "weed-n'-weed" thingie.  We are more natural about things.  That's kind of the way I still am--you can tell by my gardens--not too precise, sort of like the flowers just blew in on the wind and settled there to grow.

The little garden by my front porch.  Rose of Sharon bush will come alive in August.  

After the spring flowers die away, a whole lot of lilies will emerge--all the lily plants 

Fred gave me over the years.

You can't see it real well--may have to click to enlarge--over at the base of the maple tree

between it and the barren Rose of Sharon bush, are many varieties of wild flowers that I dug

up from the woods I use to live near and brought here.  (Yes, digging up wildflowers is against the

law here in Michigan--if a DNR officer had seen me, I would have been in trouble because I didn't own the property anymore.)

The May Apples have grown about 2 inches a day since Monday.  The violets are coming, as are the little pink wildflowers.  I also have Trilliums in bloom and a couple of Jack In The Pulpit which haven't

emerged as yet and some Adder's Tongue--yellow flower.  I love that area so much.

This is the west side of my porch.

This is Pearl's spring garden--I have never seen it so full of daffodils and hyacinth and tulips.  

I also made an appointment for next Wednesday for the guy to come out and power wash my unit.  I have a lot of green mold on the skirting and also the back porch.  Now that I am out more--I want everything to look gorgeous!!!  I am also going to have him power wash the cement between my unit and my garden in front.  $75.00--sigh, but......

Tomorrow I go up to the cemetery and meet with the sexton to see if I can get my grave site in the spot I want it.  Fred's won't be too difficult as we will only be burying cremains.  I, however, want the traditional burial and nowadays, the vaults that hold the caskets are larger and take up more room--because, nowadays, caskets are larger, because, nowadays, people are larger.    I want to be buried next to my Mother--hoping that is possible.  I will be the fifth generation of my family buried there.

I have ordered the grave markers, it takes 8-10 weeks for them to be ready to be laid on the slab.  

The way things have been lately, I hope the markers arrive before I do!!!    

Sorry

I am so sorry I have put you all through these last few days of my rant.  I am sorry I sullied my new, pristine blog with such garbage.  It is, as it is.  I feel such a sense of relief however--my "secret" blog, known only to a few choice friends.  Whenever asked by "others", because they couldn't find my blog anymore,  I have told everyone, even Pearl, that I deleted my blog.  "But--I liked reading all your stuff!"   I even lied to my sister and told her I had deleted it.  We are very close, we agree on everything, BUT--I really don't want her to read this junk and realize her older sister is weird and a bit off her nut, so to speak.  Mental issues--I got 'em.  Must run in the family, LOL.

I guess I have become more cynical of people--maybe a tad paranoid?  I want a place where I can let it all hang out BECAUSE--that helps get all this stuff out of my head so I can move forward.

I did realize something this morning--a few  years ago I was much more upset when she pulled one of these "disconnects".  A few years ago, I would get emotionally upset about a lot of things, but you know what--when Fred died, it gave me a new perspective.  When your soul-mate, companion, husband--that person closest to you emotionally and physically dies--anything else, just pales in comparison.

What could be worse?

Everything else that comes at you is like---WHATEVER!
============================

Now---

I am still covering all my "to do" things.  I went to my primary care doc's office and had blood drawn.  The nurse there does it so much better then the lab.  She uses a butterfly needle and is it easier to get in these old veins.  Then I got my orders for a mammogram and a chest x-ray--just got to call the hospital down the road and schedule them.  I also took in my prescription list and had the office lady renew all my scripts.

Look at this picture--please excuse the old wrinkled, arthritic hand.  It is a basketball charm--like those high school girls would have received if they played on the Varsity team.  It belonged to my friend Little Judy.  She passed away a few years ago.  Last week, at the school pals luncheon, her sister gave it to me.  She found that it opens up and inside she found tiny little pieces of paper with writing on them.  She wondered if I remembered what was written on the papers.  I sure did!!!

Judy and I were at the Michigan State summer music program.    We both played in the concert band and she was in the choir and I was in the orchestra.  That is where I met Richard Spencer Dunham--who came out to visit me two Sunday's ago.

One night in our dorm room, Judy opened up the charm and we each took a couple pieces of paper and wrote our initials and our boyfriends initials on the paper.  We each had two pieces of paper.  She wrote:
JB + RT and JB +FL.  I wrote on mine, JW + GM and JW + RD.  We stuck them in the ball and vowed that we would open it up again in twenty-five years and see which of the guys we had married.

She and RT were going together, but he died and she never married.  I married GM.  I think she must have forgotten about our vow--I know I sure did.

Now--57 years later, I have it and the tiny pieces of paper inside with the initials on them.  Do you know what a treasure this is for me?
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Today I tested out my new hips.  I haven't been able to work in the garden for four years.  Four years ago, I was in bad shape.  Three years ago, I had my first surgery, but my left hip was still in huge pain.  Two years ago--I still couldn't do anything.  Last year at this time, I was using a walker and barely able to walk, let alone bend over or lift anything.  THIS YEAR--TODAY--I went into my storage shed, loaded up my wheelbarrow with garden ornaments, and stuff for my porch and hauled it out and put it to good use.  Then, because I am such an idiot, I lifted the two big tub planters off the back porch where I had tomatoes planted in them last spring, put them both into the wheelbarrow and pushed them out to the front of my house. Lifted them out and positioned them.  They were heavy as the soil is still very wet.  I will plant them both with Fuchsia colored geraniums, dark blue/purple Wave petunias and light pink Impatiens.

Then, I took my porch chairs (plastic, not fancy) and the plastic table that matches, put them in the wheelbarrow and pushed it out to my hose spigot.  Sprayed them all with Fantastic, scrubbed them with a stiff bristled brush and rinsed them off.  They are now back on my porch and looking nice.

I went across the road to Bordine's (a garden shop) and bought a 20# bag of Miracle Grow potting soil and 3 of those kinds of planters that sit on/over the porch railing.  My railing is 6 inches wide, so I had to get the bigger ones.  Took my great grandmother's pickle crock and put it on the top step--it will be filled with a mixed color of Impatiens--as will the railing planters.  Put my little rose bush that my gal pals got for step-mom's funeral on the porch table.

Then I walked around my front perennial garden and put sticks in bare spots where I want to plant more spring flowering bulbs this fall.  Put my solar light hummingbirds thingies in that garden.

Now, I know this doesn't look like much, but, the last two springs I have had 2 tulips and 4 daffodils.

This winter with the good snow coverage and lots of spring rain, those tulips I knew were

down there, came up.  Multi-colored Impatiens will go in the standing pot and some Silver Falls in the front which will grow into a nice trailing, sort of "drape" for the front of the pot.  That white pot in

the background is one of the heavy ones I lifted off the back porch.  It will contain the geranium, petunias and impatiens.

The rocks in this garden came from the farm where I was born, the farm where I lived and the

Centennial Farm where my sister lives.  Also on this end, a large rock that looks like a brain

that my mother gave me in 1964 and a crystal  (Geode) from Fred's mother.  

After I rested a bit, I hung up my MSU wind chime, humming bird feeder and  my small American Flag that goes on one of the porch planters.

Then I moved my metal trash can of bird seed, off the porch and back down near the bird feeders AND took my trash barrel, filled it up and hauled it out for garbage pick-up tomorrow.

I could only work for about 20 minutes at a time and my back kept hurting, so I'd have to rest, but---HEY--I AM GARDENING AGAIN!!!  The hips feel fine.  This evening, I got out my garden file--the last time I worked on it was 2009--and started figuring what I needed, and made out my list of what plants to buy.

When I go to my ortho surgeon end of month for my x-ray check-up on my hip replacements, I am going to ask him if I can ride my bike again--haven't done that in 4 years either.

I can hardly wait until mid-May when it is safe to plant my annuals.  I will take so many pictures you are going to be bored with looking at them.

OH--I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back still aches a little tonight, but it recovers so much quicker since I got my hips fixed--it is an absolute miracle!!!!!!!!!!!!

One More Rant and then...........

Thank you all so much for your support--you cannot imagine how much it means to me--you really can't.  If my Freddy was still here, he would be hearing the rants and he would calm me and make it all better, but...he doesn't communicate real well with me lately--you guys are all I've got.  Honestly!!!
====================

Karen called me earlier wanting to know if we could get together for lunch on Mother's Day.  She would call Pam and "J".  I told her not to call "J" as she wouldn't want to join us.  When she asked why, I said, "Apparently I have done something to--as she said, defame her character, and now she wants no contact with me."  Karen replied in her caring manner as she always does, "Oh, Mom.  I am so sorry.  I didn't know.  Well, you know..............she gets that way sometimes.  It will be all right.  I will pray for reconciliation."  I wish I had 10 daughter's like Karen in my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Wondering and pondering and remembering......September 2011, just before her 4th was born.  I was at her home--some of her friends were there and she introduced us.  One asked, "Are you from around here?"

I told the lady where I lived and then (gasp) went on to say, "We are originally from Byron."

"Oh--I've heard of that.  Isn't it a small town north of here?"

"Yes.  We lived about four miles west of town on a farm."

A day later I got a nasty e-mail.  She did not want any of her friends to know that she came from a small town high school and certainly not that she grew up on a farm.  She didn't even want them to know she went to Michigan State instead of University of Michigan (the snob college in our state.)  I had embarrassed her in front of her friends.  She went on a no speaking to me campaign that lasted about three weeks.

I told my oldest daughter Pam about this and she replied, "Well I'm proud I live on the farm and I am damn well never leaving!"

I later told my youngest that she should be proud of her background.  Look at all she had accomplished--coming from a small high school, a small town.  Her heritage was built near that farm we lived on.  In fact when she was recruited and hired by the law firm in Boston, she asked her mentor why her.  Why not the diplomats daughter who had gone to Vassar.  Why not the rich man's daughter who had graduated from Harvard.  Her mentor told her, "Because you are down to earth.  You come from a strong mid-west pioneer heritage.  You are honest.  Our clients will believe anything you tell them because of those attributes."
=======================

One time to me, she referred to Pam as a "red neck hillbilly" and I told her that wasn't a nice thing to say about her sister.  Yet, (as was pointed out to me by a friend last night) this red neck hillbilly is the one basically raising my youngest kids.  But--to my youngest, this shows her charity--her generosity.  Her oldest sister had no job so she hired her and "made her life better."  All about the image.

When I visited my step-mother with my youngest, in the hospital, my other daughter Karen had just left.  My youngest stood in the family room and said to my step-sisters, "Oh I suppose Karen was in there saying her Catholic prayers over Gram."  The step-sisters didn't react because that is the kind of remark they would have heard their mother say, so...............  I was so flummoxed, I didn't know what to say.  Then the step-sister's husband said, "At a time like this---we can use prayers of all kinds--from every one who wants to pray."  Then I said, "Maybe I could go find a Rabbi so we would touch all bases?" and everyone laughed.

My youngest used to be a Catholic.  Now she is a Lutheran and apparently being a Catholic is no longer cool?  Well--I have told you of my Catholic daughter Karen's family and her children and what a wonderful, deeply, loving, giving, nice family they are.  It would serve my youngest well if she had stayed Catholic--no--wait--probably it wouldn't matter.  She has a high presence in her church and the school--it is all about image-remember.

One more thing,  she said, in her e-mail, that she had spoken with her pastor and other church members and told them what I did and they told her, "Honor thy Mother doesn't come in to play in this kind of situation."  Can you honestly believe that any religious person would say something like that--especially a pastor?  Any time I attended her church--all during Lent--every sermon had forgiveness in it--loving people--even flawed people.  "Hate the sin, love the sinner. " I think she's lying to make me feel bad and never show my face in her church again--actually she has forbidden that and I can't go into the kids school either--not even in the parking lot because I might embarrass them  (Oh yes, that's right.  I have a 15 year old Dodge Stratus--she has a Mercedes or is it a BMW--I don't know--it's some big assed black SUV--who gives a rip).  I know my church would never tell someone that.  My pastor would tell her to sit down and talk out your differences, show respect and love and come together.

I am still puzzled about what she saw on my blog.  Didn't you all see the "nice" obituary I posted about my step-mom and said how well she had taken care of my Daddy, how she was so admired and respected by the community.  Do you all know I practically vomited writing that post about the nasty, snarky woman--but wondering at the time, if there was a "spy"--something told me.

WHATEVER.
=========================

I could go on and on, but that would be too much for me and bore you to tears.  So--anyway

When I think of what I went through to bring that kid into this world...........Oy Vey!

I had a 14, 12 and 10 year old.  I was done having kids, as far as I knew.

I had been on the "pill" for ten years and the doc wanted me to go off them for awhile.  Husband said he would get a vasectomy--had the appointment--chickened out.  Made another appointment the next month--chickened out.  By the third month, I was pregnant.

He was livid!!

I know, nowadays women have their first babies at 32, but not back then.  Most of my friends had all their kids by the time we were twenty-five.  Even my very best friend thought I was nuts!

I went to the doctor, he did a urine test and said I wasn't pregnant.  I knew I was.  I had a urine test every three weeks for four months--it was only when I started feeling "life" that the doctor said, "Well, either you're pregnant or that is the fastest growing tumor I have ever seen."  No sonograms back in those days.

I was actually very happy.  I love babies.  The only time I ever felt loved in my life--that little, dependent baby who grows up (for a few years) thinking Momma is the best thing ever invented.  Husband, on the other hand, demanded I go to New York State and have an abortion--the only state it was legal in, in 1971.  I refused.  He said he would divorce me if I didn't.  I refused.  I am so glad that abortion wasn't legal back then--he probably would have forced me into it some way.

My Dad called me a fool and my step-mother said, "Why are you going through with this.  Aren't three enough for you?  Go out and work in the garden--that's how I got rid of the ones I didn't want."  (Oh yes--what a wonderful woman.)

Husband claimed it wasn't his.  Couldn't be his.  Demanded to know who the father was--who I was having an affair with.  He left for six weeks.

So--he came back.  The kids were excited, but when Dad was home, we didn't say anything about babies--only when he was gone.

Then, I got Toxemia.  The doc said it was very serious.  I could lose the baby or if I went full term, I could die during or after delivery.  They put me on a water pill and I went to bed for several days--laying on my left side.  The blood pressure went down, the headache went away.  I got back up and went back to mothering.

The baby was due November 17th--it was deer hunting time here in Michigan.  He always went deer hunting with a bunch of his buddies--this year he certainly wasn't going to stay home just because a baby was due.

She was late--thank goodness, but, I could have had her all alone--he never really wanted any children so he never took any great interest when the others were born.

I had a name picked out--Matthew.  She arrived twelve minutes after midnight on December 3rd.  A hard, eighteen hour labor--I took no drugs--I refused the gas mask they offered in the delivery room--I wasn't taking any chances.  Two nurses delivered her, as the doctor was at a movie.  She looked exactly like her father--my husband.  She was born " in the caul" over her forehead.  That is suppose to mean she would have special intuitive powers, good luck and destined for greatness.  .

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Caul

I let the other kids pick out her name, just so she had my mother's name as her middle one.  Of course, they picked out the most popular name for 1971.

I didn't die and neither did she and she was beautiful and grew into a wonderful little, strong willed girl with an IQ of over 150 by age seven.  She skipped fifth grade, graduated Valedictorian and top in her senior class at Michigan State--was a Phi Beta Kappa and could have studied abroad at Oxford.  She worked and got scholarships and grants to go to college because Daddy decided he didn't want to help.

Then she went to live a year in Spain where she knew no one and got a job teaching English to elementary school kids, came back and moved to Boston, where she knew no one, to go to North Eastern Law school, where she graduated with the highest honors.  (She wanted to go to Harvard--had been accepted, but couldn't afford the price.)  She worked and put herself through Law School and received her JD PhD three years later.

Was recruited and hired by the biggest and most prestigious law firm in Boston.  Had a disastrous marriage that ended five months after the wedding and cost her $20K to get out of.  The day of the wedding Pam tried to persuade her to leave the church--we all knew it was not going to work, but she was worried about what people would say.

She then met a wonderful man, in a story book romance sort of way, married again, has four beautiful, very smart children and makes 6 figures a year salary. (No one in his family nor her children know she was married before).  Could I do a lot of damage with that secret!!  Would I?  Of course not!!!

She has worked very hard.  She lives in a million dollar mansion, which they recently added on to.  She is one lucky woman--very "A" type personality and at times, I think she may be bi-polar.

I have never told her that her father didn't want her.  I have never told her of how her step-grandmother lied about me to her and the way she was manipulated or the snarky things her step-grandmother said to me about her.  Although apparently, in the last four years her step-gram has said to her, "You don't have to visit me anymore.  We aren't related anymore you know.  Your grandpa died--so we aren't related."  which hurt my youngest, but she went to the Hospice every day and was with her step-gram when she died.  Apparently her step-gram didn't hurt her enough to break contact with HER!!

I would never be so vindictive to her as she has been to me.  I would never tell her children anything bad about her.

I love her.  I am proud of her.  And this is all I'm going to post about my youngest.

Now--I am going to take a Melatonin and go to bed.  I will pray for reconciliation too.  So we will have Catholic prayers going up and Protestant prayers going up.  If I could just find a Rabbi--I'd be all set!!

-----------------------

Oh yeah--husband did get the vasectomy--when she was a year old.  In about 6 months, he started having impotency problems, hee hee.

One last question--WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER???

Heart Broken

I just received an e-mail from my youngest.

She doesn't want me to contact her or the grandkids in any way shape or form.  I am not to come to her home and see the kids when my older daughter is working there--I am not to go to their school or church for any functions.

I have no idea what post on my old blog upset her, but she has cut me completely out of her life.

and to think, it was a family member who read my blog and notified her that I had posted something about her.

I have been trying to repair our relationship for the last---many years.  Trying to undo the damage--the wedge that the step-mother so successfully created.

Since Fred died, I have reached out to her on so many occasions, asking--no begging to be included in the kids activities--maybe be asked to come to a Sunday afternoon lunch with her family.  She never notified me--never invited me over--never came to visit.

I have tried and tried.  Now, she has told her kids not to e-mail me or call on the phone--we are to have no contact.

I am heart broken!

But wait--after calling Pearl--she came down--and gave me good advice.  It seems that her oldest daughter didn't speak to her for two and a half years and Pearl never did find out what she had done to make her so mad.  Then I remembered something--I keep e-mails from my kids and I went searching.  1995--she sent me an e-mail that she never wanted to speak to me again.   2004--another one accusing me of not calling her enough or seeing the baby.  2005--a nasty one that her oldest has forgotten who I was, because I had made a remark that I hadn't seen them in two months. I did go over there one day and she wouldn't answer the door and I later saw movement--she was hiding with the kids in the toy room.   2006--when she had her third child and her older sister and I were worried that she had post-partum depression and we both talked to her husband about it, she sent us both a nasty e-mail, telling us to stay out of her business and she wouldn't be coming to any family functions.  2009--again--Fred was here at the time and talked me down saying, "You know how she gets."  And now this.  And I have no idea of what I wrote on the blog to upset her.  No clue.

This time, she has discussed all this with the grandkids and now they also hate me.  Why would you discuss something like this about your mother to your kids?

Well--friends--I will not participate in an e-mail, back and forth rant with her.  She doesn't want contact so there will be no contact--there was very little before now anyway.

She is 41--someday when her kids reject her in some way, she may well remember--we are all flawed people.  None of us are perfect--especially mother's.  I just feel badly that she probably has told both her sisters, my sister and other family members that I viciously attacked her and her family "for all the world to see, on that damn blog!".

We've never had a family problem like this.  I have heard of other families where the kids hate their parents, or the parents break off all contact with their kid(s), or siblings get into these kinds of situations--but this has never happened in my family.

It makes me very sad!!!

Here I Go

I have been wanting a new blog for a couple of months.  Now that has been brought about out of necessity.  I was unaware that any member of my family even knew I had a blog, let alone knew the address to it.  Apparently, there was a family "spy" and apparently that spy saw something I posted about my youngest and they told her.  YIKES!!

I don't know which post it was--maybe something I said when my step-mom was in Hospice or the time I posted about going to youngest church and how I felt they were avoiding me--who knows.  Anyway, she is so mad at me that she may never speak to me again.  Which really wouldn't be any different then the way she normally treats me, so.........

Anyway--I deleted my other blog--oh yes, I have it stored on my hard drive and someday, if I want, I can import it back here, but.....

I felt so stymied in what I could write that it wasn't worth posting anything.  I want my blog to be where I can post whatever is bothering me--what is happening in my life--whatever I want and feel and...with family members reading it--there is no way I could be open, honest and write anything without someone taking offense.

I have had problems with things I have written before.  Once, I wrote a private letter to my step-mom and she showed it to all my kids and my sister.  I wrote a private letter to my Daddy once, asking him a question about why I had never received the inheritance from my grandmother, and he showed it to step-mom, who in turn showed it to my kids and my sister--and who knows who else.  My mother told me a long time ago, "Don't write anything you wouldn't want brought out in a court of law."  Very wise woman she was, but...I guess I never learned that lesson.  Once I posted on Face Book that my daughter was going in for back surgery and I requested prayers.  That daughter heard about it and was mad.  "Mom, if I had wanted people to know, I would have posted it myself!"  GEEZ--I am always in trouble.  Too much time on my hands I guess.

This blog will not show up on any search engines--it will not be listed in e-bloggers list of blogs--hoping to keep it quite private and only for the readers I already have.  My trusted blog buddies who always give me good advice and love with their comments.

I will continue to work on the design of this thing--right now I can't seem to figure out the layout and how to change my profile picture and all that stuff--but--bear with me.  Soon I will be back to writing all kinds of stuff that none of you really want to hear, gossip about Dar that you all want to hear (LOL) and just the feelings of an ordinary, older woman.  All the fears, the questions, the ponderings and probably family stuff.

Thanks.  Love to all-----