Heart Broken

I just received an e-mail from my youngest.

She doesn't want me to contact her or the grandkids in any way shape or form.  I am not to come to her home and see the kids when my older daughter is working there--I am not to go to their school or church for any functions.

I have no idea what post on my old blog upset her, but she has cut me completely out of her life.

and to think, it was a family member who read my blog and notified her that I had posted something about her.

I have been trying to repair our relationship for the last---many years.  Trying to undo the damage--the wedge that the step-mother so successfully created.

Since Fred died, I have reached out to her on so many occasions, asking--no begging to be included in the kids activities--maybe be asked to come to a Sunday afternoon lunch with her family.  She never notified me--never invited me over--never came to visit.

I have tried and tried.  Now, she has told her kids not to e-mail me or call on the phone--we are to have no contact.

I am heart broken!

But wait--after calling Pearl--she came down--and gave me good advice.  It seems that her oldest daughter didn't speak to her for two and a half years and Pearl never did find out what she had done to make her so mad.  Then I remembered something--I keep e-mails from my kids and I went searching.  1995--she sent me an e-mail that she never wanted to speak to me again.   2004--another one accusing me of not calling her enough or seeing the baby.  2005--a nasty one that her oldest has forgotten who I was, because I had made a remark that I hadn't seen them in two months. I did go over there one day and she wouldn't answer the door and I later saw movement--she was hiding with the kids in the toy room.   2006--when she had her third child and her older sister and I were worried that she had post-partum depression and we both talked to her husband about it, she sent us both a nasty e-mail, telling us to stay out of her business and she wouldn't be coming to any family functions.  2009--again--Fred was here at the time and talked me down saying, "You know how she gets."  And now this.  And I have no idea of what I wrote on the blog to upset her.  No clue.

This time, she has discussed all this with the grandkids and now they also hate me.  Why would you discuss something like this about your mother to your kids?

Well--friends--I will not participate in an e-mail, back and forth rant with her.  She doesn't want contact so there will be no contact--there was very little before now anyway.

She is 41--someday when her kids reject her in some way, she may well remember--we are all flawed people.  None of us are perfect--especially mother's.  I just feel badly that she probably has told both her sisters, my sister and other family members that I viciously attacked her and her family "for all the world to see, on that damn blog!".

We've never had a family problem like this.  I have heard of other families where the kids hate their parents, or the parents break off all contact with their kid(s), or siblings get into these kinds of situations--but this has never happened in my family.

It makes me very sad!!!

Here I Go

I have been wanting a new blog for a couple of months.  Now that has been brought about out of necessity.  I was unaware that any member of my family even knew I had a blog, let alone knew the address to it.  Apparently, there was a family "spy" and apparently that spy saw something I posted about my youngest and they told her.  YIKES!!

I don't know which post it was--maybe something I said when my step-mom was in Hospice or the time I posted about going to youngest church and how I felt they were avoiding me--who knows.  Anyway, she is so mad at me that she may never speak to me again.  Which really wouldn't be any different then the way she normally treats me, so.........

Anyway--I deleted my other blog--oh yes, I have it stored on my hard drive and someday, if I want, I can import it back here, but.....

I felt so stymied in what I could write that it wasn't worth posting anything.  I want my blog to be where I can post whatever is bothering me--what is happening in my life--whatever I want and feel and...with family members reading it--there is no way I could be open, honest and write anything without someone taking offense.

I have had problems with things I have written before.  Once, I wrote a private letter to my step-mom and she showed it to all my kids and my sister.  I wrote a private letter to my Daddy once, asking him a question about why I had never received the inheritance from my grandmother, and he showed it to step-mom, who in turn showed it to my kids and my sister--and who knows who else.  My mother told me a long time ago, "Don't write anything you wouldn't want brought out in a court of law."  Very wise woman she was, but...I guess I never learned that lesson.  Once I posted on Face Book that my daughter was going in for back surgery and I requested prayers.  That daughter heard about it and was mad.  "Mom, if I had wanted people to know, I would have posted it myself!"  GEEZ--I am always in trouble.  Too much time on my hands I guess.

This blog will not show up on any search engines--it will not be listed in e-bloggers list of blogs--hoping to keep it quite private and only for the readers I already have.  My trusted blog buddies who always give me good advice and love with their comments.

I will continue to work on the design of this thing--right now I can't seem to figure out the layout and how to change my profile picture and all that stuff--but--bear with me.  Soon I will be back to writing all kinds of stuff that none of you really want to hear, gossip about Dar that you all want to hear (LOL) and just the feelings of an ordinary, older woman.  All the fears, the questions, the ponderings and probably family stuff.

Thanks.  Love to all-----