Am I too harsh?

I was sitting and thinking last night.  About Dar.  I've known her 6 years.  I thought and thought and tried to remember.  I think the only time she has ever asked how I was doing, was the week after Fred died.

I was in my recliner and had snoozed off.  I heard the door open and there she was.  I didn't know her very well at the time, but she stepped inside and said, "I was just checking to see if you are all right."  I said, "I'm fine.  Just taking a little nap."  and she left.

Not at any time, when she comes through my door, does she ever ask about me or my family or anybody.  It is always, all about her.  Her whole world revolves only around her and her needs, her pain, her---whatever.  That's all she thinks about.  

The first words out of her mouth when she walks in are, "I need to talk.  I need you to calm me down."
===============

Yesterday she was going on and on about the treatments and therapies she CAN'T take, because they take her back to a time when she was abused.  So, I asked, "Did your husbands (4) ever beat up on you?  Did they ever try to kill you?  Were your parents abusive to you?"

"No.  But there was emotional abuse."

"My Dear," I said, "both of my husbands beat me.  My second one tried to kill me twice.  My father slapped me around and called me "stupid" from the time I was five.  Now, if I can get over all that, I don't see why you can't."

"It's just different with me," she said.  
Oh, of course it is because you are such a rare and unusual person., with such intricate maladies.

"I've been given black eyes and had my nose broken, yet I don't get hysterical when someone puts their hand up by my face.  I was rear ended, push into the oncoming lane of traffic and front ended, and then T-boned by another car.  I don't have PTSD about driving. "
I guess I get so mad at her that I tell my story to try and best her and show her she isn't any worse off?

"Well, you're just lucky."

"No, I'm not.  I sought help to get over it.  I put it in the back of my mind and tried not to think about it.  You keep all those thoughts active in your mind all the time.  You have trust issues and control issues."

"Yes."

"Well, why don't I?  I've been through the same or worse than you.  I accept the reality of it all, know I can't do one thing to control or change what happened, but can change my thinking by the way I react to it.  I choose to let go and let God and move forward."

"I don't know," she said.  "I can't.  I guess I am just unique in my way of thinking.  They told me at physical therapy that I am a special case. They've never seen anything like me before."

Oh Sister--you aren't unique, or special.  You are selfish, self centered, over dramatic and paranoid.  Go help someone else, volunteer, think of someone else for awhile and the pain will lessen.

"All of these people are trying to help you and yet, you won't do half of what they want to try."

"Nothing seems to help."

"It's going to take a long time, Kiddo."

"I just want the pain to go away."

"Of course.  A lot of that has to do with your mind--your thinking."

"I had a doctor tell me that, a few months ago.  He's nuts!  The pain is very real!  Why would anyone in their right mind keep the pain active in their mind?"
My question exactly.

"I just want it to go away so I can go back to work."

"What?"

"I want to go back to work."

"Okay..now let's think about that.  You've told me that you have to take your Dad with you, or he gets nervous being alone.  How are you going to be away from home for eight hours?  What is he going to do all alone?"

"Well..."

"You're seventy-five years old.  You don't need the money.  You can't stand for more than ten minutes, they won't let you sit at your job.  You certainly can't stock shelves with your bad right arm..."

"But, I need the social interaction."

"Get a volunteer job then."

"I had thought I would try and volunteer at the hospital, in the nursery, rocking newborns."

"That would be great!  Just one thing.  The hospitals here don't have delivery or nurseries.  That means you would have to drive thirty miles to St. Joes--expressway driving.  You can barely drive to Brighton to physical therapy, four miles away, without getting a panic attack."

"I never thought of that."

"You and your Dad could go to the Senior Center once a week.  You would both meet new people.  He'd be the hit of the place at ninety-six and as active as he is."

"Hm-mm....I don't know."

"Well, get involved in church again.  You said you liked that new church you were going to last year.  Start going again and get involved in what is going on there.  Take your Dad."

"He's an Agnostic.  He wouldn't want to go."

"Maybe, if he tried it, he might enjoy being around all the people.  No one is going to drag him down the aisle to the altar."

She laughed.  "They'd suffer if they tried."  

"I'm just trying to think of things that YOU could do...for YOURSELF...to take your mind off the pain and make YOU feel better."

"If I felt better, Dad and I could take a few trips.  I know how to drive up to my brother's.  We could go to Indianapolis and visit the grand kids. I know how to get there."

"That would be great!  I just hate to see every minute of every hour of every day...your whole mind, body and soul are consumed with the constant thinking about your pain.  I'd hate to see you make a career out of being the victim."
==============
That was our 90 minute conversation, while she sat and had her muscles stimulated.  HAH!

Am I too harsh with some of my words to her?

What is going on?

The strangest thing!  

I got ready to paint the white part of my porch--railings, stair risers, etc.  I had paint spattered jeans, t-shirt and canvas shoes I used 3 years ago when I first did the whole porch.  I washed them and put them in a bag on the top shelf of my bedroom closet.

I got them down, and started to dress.  I could not button my jeans.  The T-shirt felt tight in the chest.  I said right out loud, "What is going on?"

I weigh the same as I did 3 years ago.  The clothes are tight.  They weren't tight 3 years ago.  Is this another one of those "body shifts" that have no rhyme or reason?  Why would my boobs get bigger?
At least the shoes still fit!  

I got all the white painting done and was going to start on the gray porch deck and steps and just then, "you know who" came over.  She got a new TENS device and today at physical therapy they put the pads on for her and hooked her up, but she couldn't get it to work.  One of the little plug-ins had come undone.  I got it plugged in and she turned it on.  

She asked if she could stay awhile, while she was getting the muscle stimulation, because she was afraid that, #1.  she might get an electrical shock.  #2.  it might be set too high and she wouldn't know how to turn off the machine.  ARGGH!!

I assured her that the device ran on batteries and there was no way she could be electrocuted, and that she had control of the device on how high to move the stimulation and to hit the "Off" button if she didn't like it.

Her highest number is 20.  She sat it on 2 and thought that was too much, so she clicked it down to 1. 

I set mine on at least 10.  She didn't like the way it felt like it was 'grabbing' her muscles.  I told her it was supposed to feel that way--thus stimulating the muscles to get the inflammation outta there.

An hour and a half passed.  Now it's five o'clock and not a good time to start painting my porch steps or deck.  So------maybe tomorrow I can get that done?  If it doesn't rain and I have to wait for the wood to dry out.

ARGGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good to know................

Judith, you do not have the ε4 variant we tested.

Your risk for Alzheimer's disease 

0 variants detected

in the APOE gene

From my 23 and Me DNA medical report.  Cool!

===========================================================

Karen's husband Mark and four of the kids went to the Grand Canyon for a two week adventure.  They went down in the Canyon and then they hiked up and down, from rim to rim to rim.

Marcus and Maddie were teamed up and as they were halfway to a rim it started raining.  They were dressed in the shorts and t-shirts, but as they climbed higher, the rain got heavier and colder and then it started snowing.  Susanna was waiting for them in her tent on the rim edge.

Marcus and Maddie were so cold they knew they had to find shelter until the storm passed.  Luckily, they found a wooden latrine and sat for an hour--no heat, no lights, no nothing.  Their clothes wouldn't dry out and they knew, the only way they could survive was to go back down to get to warmer air, below the snow/rain line.  

11 hours later, they met up with their Dad and brother Stephen, who had come looking for them.  Susanna had waited 7 hours in her tent for them and got worried, so she packed up and made her trek through the snow/rain to the bottom of the canyon.

Marcus and Maddie were in such bad shape that Dad had a moment of, "Oh my God.  What do we do now."  He, Marcus and Stephen are all Eagle Scouts so they know survival skills.  They finally found a spot to set up camp and got the heaters and lights going inside the tents with blankets and food.

Thankfully,  Marcus and Maddie flew home Friday and Mark and Stephen arrived this morning.  Susanna flew back to Portland, Oregon on Saturday.

I am very thankful this Mother's Day that all of my grand children are alive--although Maddie is sick and on the edge of pneumonia!
===================
Saturday, Pammie and Karen came over.  Karen wanted to take us out to lunch.  I suggested she stop and get Subways for us so we could sit in the living room while we ate, and be able to chatter away without noisy people around us.  Gosh--we giggled and laughed and talked about long ago, "remember when" memories.  Then we went outside and they dug two holes and planted the 100 year old Hosta's I had picked up at The Farm on Thursday. We had an absolutely grand, goofy time!
==============
I went over to Dar's Saturday evening to wish her a Happy Birthday.  She has started with a new doctor--her 10th.  She still refuses to do her meditation or any bio-feedback for the pain, because she's "scared".  I don't know what this doctor can do for her.  Very sad case!
=============
Today felt kind of strange.  So many Mother's Day wishes on Face Book that I felt nauseous!  I knew that the grand kids would be gathering at Karen's during the day, but I wasn't invited didn't drive over.  With all the kids and her hubs back home safely, I felt it was her day to shine, without me hanging around on the fringes.  My oldest grand daughter Helene, e-mailed me a photo of her and the baby.  I had sent her a Happy 1st Mother's Day card and she loved it.

I had thought to start painting the porch today, but it never got above 61 and the breeze felt cold to me.  Besides, I don't like to do physical chores on a Sunday.  I spent 5 hours on the genealogy I am working on.  Back 21 generations, so you know, that takes a lot of time, printing, scanning, filling in the family sheets and writing the stories in the book.  I'm about half way done.
================
Tomorrow it is supposed to be sunny and warmer, so I will paint the porch.  Got to get a couple of coats on it, so it might take two days.  THEN--it may just be warm enough to plant.  I don't think we will get any more frosts.

I hung the Baltimore Oriole feeder and Humming bird feeder.  Within an hour, the Oriole swooped in.  Still haven't seen a Hummer, but Sister says they have them, so mine should be coming in any day now.

Friday--again?

The time goes so fast.  It seems like Friday was just a couple of days ago, and here it is again!

I have much to do today.

I would tell you what I did Wednesday, but I can't remember.  I think it probably entailed starting on a new genealogy--yes, that was it.

Thursday, I drove on up north 30 miles to have lunch with the K-12 school gal pals.  I ordered Nachos and when it came, it was so large, they served it on a round pizza pan!  Needless to say, I had left overs!

Then out to The Farm to visit 'Lil Sis.  Her hubs dug up two of our great grand mother's Hostas, which grow along the front of the porch of the home they live in.  The Hostas were planted in the 1920's, so I will let you figure out how old they are.  We also have Peony plants that have grown that long and Lily of the Valley and Iris.  Amazing how long a plant can live, isn't it?

On my way home, I stopped at the Cemetery, just to check in on my ancestor's and Fred.  My sister had already filled the urns.  Beautiful bright Pink flowers that showed up from the road and every part of that cemetery.  Our big family plot (actually 2 plots) really looked nice.  

I moved the little cement angel dog, that sits on Fred's marker, over to the other side.  Every month, I move it to the other side because I don't want the rain that collects under it, to darken the marker.

 I noticed a dirty bird had stopped by and left his "mark" on my marker, so I spit on a Kleenex and cleaned it off.

Everybody is there.
Great Great Grand Parents: Peter and Anne
Great Grand Parents:  Charles and Sophia
Grand Parents: Roy and Helene
Parents:  Charles and Dorathy
Great Uncle: Ray

and still room for four more which will be: my sister and her hubs, my son Mark and daughter Pam.
Can you even imagine the reunion on the day of Rapture? 
============================
I have to go to the Food Bank this morning and then get to work on cleaning up and maybe painting my porch.  Pam and Karen are coming tomorrow to plant the Hostas for me and perhaps lay down the mulch.

Oh--now I remember what I did Wednesday.  I went to Lowe's and bought paint for the porch, new step treads, sand paper, brush and roller.

It is Tuesday----------------

For awhile today, I thought it was Wednesday.

Got the latest genealogy book put together and bound today at the Print Shop.  109 pages long and it turned out really nice.  It took awhile to find anything on one side of the family, but then when I did?  BAM!  A bit of stories and histories of the ancestor's.  The book is ready to mail tomorrow, promised delivery on Friday, so my client can give it to her Mom on Mother's Day.  That was my goal!!!
====================
I keep wanting to go outside and plant something.  It was 32 degrees with frost last night and this morning.  I cannot believe this nonsense!!  Usually we can plant on Mother's Day around here, but I am thinking I will wait until next weekend.  Where I used to live--just 20 miles north, we had to wait until Memorial Day weekend to plant.

In the meantime, tomorrow I am hauling all my pots and porch paraphernalia out of the shed.  Get it all cleaned up and have the pots put in place.  I also need to paint my porch railings and steps.  So I may have to go to Lowe's tomorrow to get some sand paper and white deck paint.  I have the gray left from last year.  I think I am probably going to have to use a bit of sandpaper on the railings.  The squirrels run up and down the railings all winter long, with their sharp little claws.  My fault as I put the feeder out on one of the railings and feed them all winter.
====================
Dar came over tonight, just as Jeopardy was starting.  She went back to the psycho-therapy place today, refused hypnosis, so they gave her a meditation thing.  She sticks her fingers in her ears, hums, centers the hum on the middle of her forehead and then visualizes it going down the center of her body, bringing relaxation against the pain as it moves.   

There is one problem.  she can't do it because she can't put her fingers in her ears and close out all sound.  If she can't hear extraneous noise, someone could sneak up on her without her knowing it.

I told her to go in her bedroom, close her door, sit with her back firmly against the head board of her bed.  Then she would know that no one could sneak up behind her.

"But, I have to close my eyes to do the meditation and someone could sneak into my bedroom and I'd never know it until it was too late to defend myself."

OY VEY!!!!! 

Feeling great--at least today.

The sun woke me at 7:15 and the cats nosed me until I got up at 7:30.  I felt great and remembered that I had salmon patties last night for supper. LOL

I had lots to do today and I did it all in fine order.  I needed to go into Brighton and with all the Main Street construction going on, I decided to go in the back way.  I came out on the side street by the Meijer grocery store, got my groceries--I had my list, up to the gas station and then remembered how hard it was to get on the main street if I went out the front drive.

So I went out the back way, down two blocks, then up to a traffic light and when it turned green, made a left turn on to the main drag.  Up another two blocks to Michael's on my right, got my floss and instead of going further up to take a small side road out of that mall, I doubled back to the light I came in on.

Turned right and right on homeward bound.  I stopped at the Print Shop (right turn) to get two pedigrees printed out and then home.  Unloaded all the groceries and put them away.

The only mis-step I had was when I got home, I pulled into my driveway, then remembered all the groceries in the trunk, so backed out and up a bit and backed in to make the trunk nearer the porch.

I had kind of mapped out my trip in my mind with mostly right turns involved and everything was as smooth as silk.  

I feel good about all of it.  Oh, by the way, I had roast beef and a baked potato for supper tonight.  HAH!

Scary!

I am starting to notice something--scary.

My short term memory is getting bad.

When I first wake up in the morning, I am a bit confused as to what day it is.  If you asked me right then, "What did you have for supper last night?", I wouldn't be able to tell you.  

Sometimes, while falling asleep at night, I think of something I want to do the next day, but the next day---I have to really think hard and for a long time on, what it is I wanted to do, and even then I can't recall.

Last Thursday night, instead of being in my computer room the last place I am before I go to bed, I was watching TV and got up and went to bed.  Friday morning when I came in here, my computer was still on and my night time pills were still in the little box.  Thankfully, I have my table lamp in here on a timer, or it would have still been on.

To top it all off, last month I forgot to pay a bill.

I have some bills I pay by check and some I pay on-line out of my checking account.  Along about April 28th, I was reconciling my checking account balance and was $40.00 less than what the bank was showing.  I went check by check against my bank statement.  I couldn't figure it out.  On the list I print out of what is due, when it is due, I had lined out that bill, so I knew I had paid it.

Later that day, I got an e-mail from the company saying my account was overdue.  I quickly got into that account and realized at once what I had done.

I had put in the information, what I was to pay, the day I wanted to pay, but had forgotten to click on the "submit" button.

EGAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes I even forget how to spell a word and have to Google it to get the correct spelling.
-----------------------
I have no problems remembering birthdays or appointments.  I have no problems when doing my genealogies.  I keep things on schedule and in good order, but the other things......................

Now I worry what I may have forgotten something that is really important.  

I have always been very organized and kept everything in my mind without needing to make lists.  Now, I have to write everything down!

It's creeping me out!  Do I need to see a neurologist and get a memory test?